Restless

Alright kids, get ready for some stereotypical bloggy whining. It had to happen eventually, right? Blogging is in many ways a self-serving exercise, so I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise to me that I feel the need to vent about my day to the giant void that is the internets. As much as I am embarrassed to admit it, the thought that someone totally unknown to me might read this blog is comforting. I imagine it's much like the urge people feel to write diaries or memoirs; it validates your existence. Thus, my useless and uneventful day feels like it had a purpose. It's lame but it's understandable..ok to me.

Now of course the major caveat is that unlike the letters, diaries and memoirs written in bygone areas, this blog isn't going to be about anything extraordinary. Writing in this medium seems to be therapeutic for me, but it doesn't make me feel any less selfish for doing so.

Alright enough of that whining and onto this whining. Today was....meh. Not exactly a bad day but just boring as hell. It might just be hormones or my leftover emotions from yesterday but today just...it didn't even feel like a day really. I stayed up way too late last night and got up at 10:30. Gross. Ok so I pretty much always get up at that time when I don't have school but that's besides the point. Today I was supposed to do something, man. What? Oh well nothing huge...some homework, finish that damn lampshade, cook something, organize my life....you know. But I didn't. And it sucks.

Essentially I made plans with my mom and younger sister to go to a craft store and then get some groceries and look for spice jars. Oh, and get the butane filter for me mini blowtorch (for creme brulees but it also has a soldering tip for jewelry...oh yeah). Now this might seem like the height of suburban lameness but holy hell, do I ever love me some craft stores. Not like the scrapbooking sh*t, mind you...I'm talking tins, beautiful papers, paint etc. I love anything and everything to do with decor, so going to hardware stores or craft stores is a continuous source of inspiration. And as I fancy myself a creative soul, inspiration=fun. Grocery shopping has much the same effect. I mean you've got to live somewhere (god-willing), so why not make it beautiful? You've got to eat, so why not create delicious and beautiful food? Anyhow, where was I? Oh yes, the outings...

Sadly I found nothing of note at the craft store. I am really good at reigning myself in when it comes to stuff I don't need....to the point where I will endlessly debate buying anything. This usually results in my shopping partner losing it and telling me to just make up my damn mind already :P Thus, I came away from the store with a recipe box with a saucy msg on it for my best friend (we're at that age where we're starting to get all domestic..oh yeah domestic goddesses at 21) ad some ceramic paint for the boy (he is also a creative soul). You know you live in the western hemisphere when not buying something cool brings you down. Sorry guys, I know it's lame.

Next? Grocery store. We were so burnt out from various other errands that I just didn't have time to look for anything cool. I was planing to make a thai curry but ah well....I'll be posting a killer enchilada recipe tomorrow instead :) It's more apropos to Super Bowl Sunday anyway. At least that's what I am told-I only watch Caps hockey. And yes since I have only been a fan for 1 1/2 years that makes me a bandwagoner (term applied to any post-lockout fan of the Capitals). But...but...my boyfriend is actually from DC and has been a fan forever!!?!! Doesn't that make me a real fan by association? No? Well you can't blame a gal for trying :) But I digress...

So while this boring grocery business was going down, I tracked down aforementioned spice jars. I bought a sh*tload of cool spices at House of Spice in Kensington Market. If you read this and are in the market (heh...) for some unusual spices, definitely give this place a try. Only problem? No one had the energy to go look at them.

So we went home. And then I wasted some time on the computer and felt down and empty. Aaaaand that's pretty much where I've stayed emotionally. I really think that I should have sucked it up and accomplished something in the way of a project or homework or a workout today-just to make me feel like less of a blob with no direction in life. But I did not. And I futzed (sp?) around writing this blog entry. I couldn't even get my thoughts together to say that I didn't do anything today? Oh lord. At least the writing seems to be coming to me with a little bit less difficulty now. For the past few years it seems like my only significant writing has been comprised of text messages and msn conversations. It's good to feel like I am reaching out a little and developing a voice. Even if it is an extraorinarily whiny one right now :P

Essentially what I am trying to say is that ..... nothing of importance happened today. But it's ok because writing about it lets out the frustration that would otherwise keep me up at night. So even if I frustrated myself to no end today, I at least get to reflect and analyze it instead of trying to suppress it. I'm not sure whether it's my medication or the effects of years of sweeping my gut feelings under the proverbial rug in order to avoid falling apart at the seams, but I am concerned about how numb and hollow I feel. It's been easier for me to hide things from those I love and hide in my own head....playing the same scenarios of my ideal life over and over while my real life drifts further out of my grasp. Blogging about my fears and disappointments just feels like a slightly healthier behaviour. And I am all about getting into healthier behaviours. I don't have time to mess around. My friends are graduating and I am stuck in school for another year....waiting to start my life. I will be 22 this year and I want to see the world. I have the desire but I've stifled myself for so long that it's never gotten strong enough to push me where I need to go. So if writing about all of this (vaguery of the century) gets me to make a conscious effort to stop all that shit, then why not share right here?

My hope is that these entries will contain much less soul-searching once I make some more progress in becoming more engaged with the world. I intend for this blog to go more in the direction of decor/design/cooking. Less angst :P Anyhow tomorrow is hopefully going to be another step in this direction. The boy is coming over so there's a good chance we'll have some sort of mini adventure, go out for a run etc. Sooo here is what I gotta get done:

• Clean room so boy does not have license to tell me that my room is in fact messier than his (and therefore I am not allowed to swear loudly when I trip over things on his floor and go flying). Don't think I have to worry about that too much though...his lair is pretty disasterous most of the time. (I love you sweetheart).
• Make cupcakes with munchkin sister as promised. Make damn fast cupcakes..
• Get some homework done
• Watch Caps game. Hard work, i tell ya...
• Get together books for buy-back at bookstore.
• Figure out where to put my calendar so that I don't have to check this page to remember all of these tasks. Put up list of tasks on wall.
• Call one friend on phone. S is preferrable. Also figure out her gift.
• Make the lampshade if I am so inclined.
• Take a look at the spice jars. Hopefully finalize said spice jars.
• Eat healthy all day so I don't feel sluggish like I was today because of sugar overload.

Ambitious, huh? Well I'll check in tomorrow so you can see how I did. Wish me luck! Hope you have a reat night and a great Sunday.

-GT